A friend of mines recently e-mailed this to me and I thought it was pretty post-worthy. If you’ve watched a lot of movies like I have, you’ll find these pretty hilarious. Here are 50 lessons learned from movies:
1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick’s Day parade – at any time of the year.
2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving.
5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.
6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note – just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.
11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames.
13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
15. All single women have a cat.
16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings – especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor.
21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.
22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
23. Dogs always know who’s bad and will naturally bark at them.
24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son’s eighth birthday.
27. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
28. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
29. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
30. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
31. If you decide to hack into the CIA database, all you need is a laptop and an internt connection. it will usually take about 10 seconds to get into the system and you will usually be undetected.
32. No matter how dirty the water is, it is still possible for you to jump in and open your eyes underwater. You’ll be able to see everything clearly and your eyes wont hurt.
33. In every bar you go into, the bartender will always know how to make any and every long named drink of your choice.
34. When walking in a quiet and dark area, its only fair to ask if someone is there.
35. It’s always possible to outrun a explosion/fireball by running straight towards the camera, sometimes in slow motion.
36. The prologue and/or epilogue, when applicable, is always narrated by a soothing calm monotone voiced individual, preferably Morgan Freeman.
37. Never be afraid to jump off of a building into an open dumpster, as the contents will most likely always be clean, fluffy garbage bags.
38. Most police officers HATE partners. If they do have a partner that they trust and like, he/she will die.
39. The last bad guy in a shootout is too tough to die fast like everyone else. He must pretend to give up or be dead, and suddenly try to shoot one of the good guys. Then and only then can he die quickly.
40. Cars can screech tires and burn rubber even if they’re on gravel or sand.
41. Everybody’s phone number starts with 555.
42. Monsters always make noise before attacking.
43. If you have face stubble….you have a dark mysterious past.
44. Ancient Romans had English accents.
45. Nobody has morning breath in the movies…the first thing a couple does is kiss each other when they wake up.
46. All helocopter crashes occur on the other side of the mountain.
47. Computers in sci-fi films have either male or female voices that speak in a calm, reassuring tone even in the most extreme situations.
48. In high speed chases, no car ever runs out of gas.
49. Funerals usually happen when it rains. The hardest, bravest, coolest person is usually the one without an umbrella or hat and usually stands alone either to the side or behind everyone.
50. If your female who has never been on a date or even been hit on, don’t worry. All it takes is some contacts, new hair styles, and new clothes to make you the baddest bitch in the town.
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*Some characters work all the time 24/7, and they never get tired and they never go home.
*When someone breaks in or goes someplace scary, it will always be nighttime. Always.
*The bartender will always pick out the main character and have a conversation with him/her, even if the bar is packed and the barkeep should be tending to other customers.
Weddings are commonly interrupted and when they are, the audience sits patiently for 20 minutes while important feelings or thoughts are explained. Likewise, the audience always understands exactly whats going on and roots for the good guy.
Also, in the end, every major and minor character ends up in a relationship with another major or minor character, regardless of the fact that they never encountered each other in the film.
(TV)When someone says something that is clearly funny, no one in the room laughs at what was said, they pause and then continue what they were saying without acknowledging the comment. Also, when someone slips and accidentally mentions something that they weren’t supposed to, saying “Oh Nothing” is enough to get the character to completely forget about it and continue with what they were saying.
Sword fights are always beautifully choreographed and last a very long time. Mistakes are hardly ever made. Of course, right before the hero wins the fight, he will be doing very badly.
Women losing their virginity will always love the feeling of sex, and will not experience any first time pain.
People who have casual sex never have to worry about pregnancy or STDs.
(TV)When characters talk about a subject, that subject becomes the theme for the next couple of days of the characters life.
Hot girls always date a jackass. The jackass is always clearly mean to everyone and the girl always tells him to stop being a jerk and leave her nerdy friend a lone. The jackass then drives away without her leaving her to walk home in her skimpy outfit, the nerdy hero then offers to give her a ride (she gives special attention to the nerd who likes her for some reason, this also begs the question, why is she even with the jackass if she seems to not enjoy a second of it?)
The nerd has a crush on ONE girl and she is usually the hottest chick in school (schools have a girl who has been voted Hottest Chick), she girl usually hangs around assholes and douche bags, but she still has a secret passion for the nerd.
High school theater departments only put on productions of “Romeo and Juliet” and always cast the inexperienced Main Characters (who are using it to get close to someone else) as the lead role. “I got the lead part in the school play!”, however the theater geeks who are actually involved and good actors never get the lead role.
Theater Kids are losers and weirdos instead of creative and charismatic individuals.
Hello, this is a funny post however the grammar in it is quite poor. Take for example; “50. If your female who has never been on a date or even been hit on, don’t worry. All it takes is some contacts, new hair styles, and new clothes to make you the baddest bitch in the town.”
It should say: If YOU’RE a female….
haha really dude? GRAMMAR! who cares about grammar if you read this whole thing and thats the first thing that came to your mind is it has poor grammar?!?! obviusly you have no LIFE!
You forgot the most important one of all. In any movie the main character always wins or falls in love in the end.
Oh yeah, and Chuck Norris pwns all in any movie.
Everybody holds an empty coffee cup.
Everybody chews but you never see them put food in their mouths.
51. You always find a taxi when you exit a building.
52. All computers run on operating systems that don’t really exist.
53. Hitting the “Enter” key will do something really important for the plot of the movie.
If you are in a dark and scary place where several people have already died and you here a noise in the basement, it’s ok to go down there and check it out.
*anything and everything done on a computer (including graphical work) can be done with the keyboard, no mouse is necessary
Learn to spell, you moron. You
English people never heard of English.
She got this from a forwarded email, so it’s highly likely that the spelling errors weren’t hers. Relax. =)
If the main character cant hack the computer. He/She can always guess the password based on objects around the computer.
Nice page!!! You know this one? In a basketball game there is always a dunk?
>>However bad the car chase is, the airbag doesn’t pop up on collision.
>>Runaway scenes always have a beautiful landscape
These are pretty funny. I would have to add…
‘If you have to pee, it will most always be during a crucial plot moment.’
Here’s another:
Every computer in movies makes little bleeping sounds when a window appears, disappears, or moves, and every letter that is typed makes a little bleep sound. Also, when at the command line, every output from a command makes a bleep sound. I work in IT – and I’ve never heard a computer do any of that stuff.
(edit – except I remember in OS9 it would make little funny sounds when you dragged windows around – but still, no OS makes bleep sounds every time you type a letter).
…and every time a computer if performing a calculation or a search, it displays at least one (often several) popup windows with numbers, figures or documents streaming at high speed…
Some more :
A woman falling down stairs is always pregnant.
A drawer opened in close-up always contains a handgun.
Accordion music should be heard every time the city of Paris is introduced.
Whenever a woman is giving birth, one character will tell another person to boil some water.
A car driver in close-up will never hold the wheel steadily but shake it from side to side as if constantly avoiding pebbles or potholes.
if youre a jacked bad ass single dude you usually wont want extremely attractive pussy unless youre talked into it. usually because your ex wife was a bitch or died